
Another Saturday, another chapter...
Chapter Two
"You want me to protect you from the vengeance of all the loved ones of people fate screwed over!? Lady, I don't care what kind of power you believe I have, that's nuts."
"Why?" She was not only unperturbed, she was curious. Honestly, genuinely curious.
"Because it is completely impossible."
"How so?"
"In every way there is, and probably a few that never existed before. To list just a few items: first, how am I to determine who is and who is not after you? Second, how am I to determine who is likely to make an attempt on your life, and who just wants to vent some anger in your direction? Third, how do I tell which ones, and how many, are coming after you today, and which ones will politely wait a few years?"
"That's what I'm hiring you to deal with. I don't care how you do it." Elven necks are thin, proportionally. That thinness makes them awfully tempting to throttle, sometimes.
"I'm telling you that can't be done. You can care or not care, it doesn't make a difference, the task is impossible."
I took another drink from my stein. Well, okay, I emptied it. Can you blame me? And she was an elf. This conversation was apt to go in circles for hours as she tried every rephrasing and reframing that she could imagine to find a way to trick me into saying yes.
So when she nodded and said, "I understand. Do you have any alternative suggestions?" it threw me.
Because, like I said, she was an elf. Set in her ways, ancient (by human standards), and of a mindset and from a culture that was quite certain that everyone and every thing else should be required to conform to its whims at all times.
And that's before factoring in the fact that she'd been a bureaucrat for Delph knew how long.
Actually, Delph might know how long. But I wasn't going to ask.
I looked at her, and fiddled with the empty stein, turning it one way, sliding it an inch or three, rotating it the other way. But I kept looking at Smythe the bureaucratic elf. Well, actually I was staring in her general direction and thinking. My brain sluiced down dozens of channels at once, dropped the ones with obvious barriers, and tried to see twenty implications down the line. Which my brain is not especially good at, but I didn't seem to have any problems with it that day.
Except one.
What she wanted really was impossible. I kept running up against that wall, over and over again.
Then I realized I was looking at it in the wrong way.
"You asked me to stop every sentient being that has ever lost a loved one to an unjust fate from exacting revenge on you. But that's not what you really want."
Her lips might have compressed a fraction. Elves in general are not accustomed to being treated that rudely, let alone bureaucratic tyrant elves. But she didn't rebuke me, either.
"What you really want is to continue living, in safety."
"Yes," she sniffed, "that is what I said."
"It is not what you asked of me, madame. What you asked was impossible. What I just stated might not be."
"'Might'?"
One corner of my mouth might of lifted a bit. "You want cast-iron certainties?" She quivered a bit at the reference to cold iron. "If I do nothing, you'll definitely die, and soon. Yes?"
She nodded.
"Well, I can't guarantee you won't die ever, but I do believe I can lessen that certainty quite a bit. Or, I believe it is possible, but... well, I have to think at the problem a bit, and then if I find a solution, you'll have to approve it. Meantime, you're a guest here at the Hotel. You're going to be here for a while, so check with Bob," I waved at the dorf behind the bar, "about a key and a room. You're safer here than just about anywhere else for the time."
"I imagine it would be useless to ask if I might stay here indefinitely?"
"For the moment," I said, "your stay is indefinite, as in I'm not sure when we can get a solution for you working. If you mean, stay here permanently," I glanced over at Delph, who seemed not to be paying attention to the two of us, "that's not up to me."
Smythe thanked me for my time and consideration, arose, and went over to the bar for a minute, getting a key from Bob.
When she was out of the tavern room, I went, got a tumbler of something a good bit stronger than beer, and went over to Delph's table.
There are not many who would dare sit without invitation in the unQueen's presence, even after the Renunciation, when she theoretically made all beings equal. She remains a being of immense power, and still carries the reputation — unfair, in my experience — of being capricious.
I sat.
Delph smiled. "Well, Guy? Did you have an interesting chat with our new guest?"
"You know her?"
"The ministers of fate had an unusual position, one even the Queen could not trump. Fate ruled over all, even the Queen."
"You telling me you were fated to destroy fate?"
Her eyes twinkled at me. "That is a conundrum which is nigh unanswerable."
I took a swallow of the old firewater. "Do you also know why she came here?"
Delph moved her head in a maddeningly elven, indeterminate way. "There are multiple possibilities."
"Milady, boss, if you're going to be difficult and kittenish, I'll knock off for the night and come back when you're willing to talk instead of bait me."
"I am not baiting you."
"Then answer the damn question. I'm in no mood."
"No," she said, "I do not know. Is she here to kill you? Or to seek protection from the loved ones of the victims of fate? Or for another reason all together?"
"She started by telling me she's going to kill me, and then she asked me to protect her. You're two for three."
Delph lifted a flute to her lips and took a sip of the bubbly. "Three for three, more than likely."
I "humph"ed at that. Elves. Even when they're playing straight with you, there's always the things they don't mention. Delph was right, there was probably something else going on, too.
"She's getting installed in a room here. I presume that's acceptable."
Delph waved a hand. I had authority here to go along with my responsibilities. Whether the unQueen herself would have protected one of her own without me doing it, she wasn't likely to tell me. The decision was made, and that was that.
"There's going to be attempts made on her here," I said.
She smiled. Yeah, the attempts, at most, would provide a little entertainment.
"Might be an attempt or two on me, as well. And I'm going to have to go out and about into the bargain."
"You," she said, "are neither child nor naif. I will worry what to do without you only after you actually die. And though your client be an elf, and a bureaucrat, I doubt she'd like you dead before she was genuinely safe. We are capricious, not suicidal. Any attempt from her quarter would be a mere test of your resilience."
I'd had a few elven tests of resilience. I knew better than to expect to skate through whatever was coming, even from a supposed ally.
But that wasn't what I needed to talk about.
"Delph, she wants permanent protection."
The lady didn't laugh. She did seem to choke a bit on her champagne, though. Probably a bubble or two went up her nose. That must be it.
"Even funnier, milady, is that I have an idea how we might do that."
Her eyebrows went up. "'We'?"
"Well, I'm assuming you don't want this place becoming a permanent dwelling for former bureaucrats. Do you?"
She shivered, ever so slightly.
"Yeah, thought not. So I'm going to need magic. Strong magic. You've not only got that, you've got some experience with what I have in mind. We'll tap whatever reserves of manna she's got left, but I'll need your hand guiding things, I think."
And I told her what I had in mind.
She was not amused.